Okay so like I'm not going to complain and be all whiny thinking I'm bad at this, when really, I'm still starting out, so I have a lot to learn. And considering I'm learning all this from books, I'd say I'm doing pretty good. But no, I did not meditate at all this past week and barely did yoga, that was in part to being interrupted by the maintenance guys and there being a leak outside our apartment but it should be mostly fixed and all they have to do next week is fix the tile. Luckily I don't have library duties next week it being thanksgiving and all. So I should be able to meditate and do yoga next week once they are gone. I know this is probably a lesson on how I should just be able to do it despite the interruption. Its a must, not a should. I've pushed it back into a should box, when really its a must. And I haven't been watching hoop videos like I should. I need to get back into doing that.
But yes, things should be back on track soon! And I will have my focus back and more lengthy blogs lol. Until then. This is what I've got. So, yeah ...
Star signing off.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
And Yoga joins the Dance --Meditation Week 3
I am completely in love, so in love with yoga. I aspire to live my life yogically! I realize that I need yoga in my day now, it was like a pandora's box, that once you start, you get hooked and you need it like a drug. I almost went without it yesterday and it messed up my entire day. I've also went without meditating too. But I'm having trouble meditating because my dad is here, but he's going to be off sick all week, so I gotta get used to it. But I guess I can think of it as a good contrast or something, character building.
But I added yoga to my meditation practice in a way. The most difficult part is the breathing. Its like being aware of your breath. I breathe really shallow on reflex, so its challenging to intend myself to breathe deeper and more fully. Pranayama. Its especially hard to breathe in downward dog pose. And cobra pose. And I'm not sure I am doing warrior pose or triangle pose correctly, something tells me I'm doing it wrong, but I'm going to look out for a different yoga beginner's youtube clip to guide me. I've been using Yoga Journal with Jason Crandell. There are two different 15 minute segments that I found by him. One is easy with just stretching and one downward dog pose, the other is more intense with all those other poses I mentioned before, cobra pose, warrior pose and triangle pose and all that. I need some blocks, and a strap or belt, my belt is too short, and Daddy said I should use my jumprope, but I think a strap is better, a belt is better, cause its wider and won't slip from my foot.
I've been switching the music with my meditation, but I'm going to try to go back to just using Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya next week, that one is what I started out with. So maybe I should just stick with it. Though I sing along with the mantra, I will have to tell my dad to not disturb me.But hopefully my voice is quiet enough that he won't even notice. Like I was on the phone last night with my mom and he didn't hear me, at least I didn't think he did.
There's a yoga station on Pandora, so once I get my muscle memory trained in the poses I can start doing yoga without the guide of the youtube clips, which would be wonderful because I have to wait for Micah (my computer) to warm up so youtube won't be choppy and keep buffering in the middle of the clip and such. So yeah. Pandora tends to load quicker. I may download spotify soon, and make sure my anti-virus works first so it won't hurt my computer, a friend said that nothing is hurting his computer and he's downloaded spotify.
But I'm a yoga girl now. It does wonders for my mood, and I just love it. You can be spiritual with it and everything. I can build an altar, a vastu (sacred space), and I can learn to work with energies and chakras and everything. Its great, its sooo perfect for me. And I'll be starting my hoop dancing once I get my hoop for christmas or hannukah. So I'm getting in gear and getting in shape ! Its great!
Star out.
But I added yoga to my meditation practice in a way. The most difficult part is the breathing. Its like being aware of your breath. I breathe really shallow on reflex, so its challenging to intend myself to breathe deeper and more fully. Pranayama. Its especially hard to breathe in downward dog pose. And cobra pose. And I'm not sure I am doing warrior pose or triangle pose correctly, something tells me I'm doing it wrong, but I'm going to look out for a different yoga beginner's youtube clip to guide me. I've been using Yoga Journal with Jason Crandell. There are two different 15 minute segments that I found by him. One is easy with just stretching and one downward dog pose, the other is more intense with all those other poses I mentioned before, cobra pose, warrior pose and triangle pose and all that. I need some blocks, and a strap or belt, my belt is too short, and Daddy said I should use my jumprope, but I think a strap is better, a belt is better, cause its wider and won't slip from my foot.
I've been switching the music with my meditation, but I'm going to try to go back to just using Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya next week, that one is what I started out with. So maybe I should just stick with it. Though I sing along with the mantra, I will have to tell my dad to not disturb me.But hopefully my voice is quiet enough that he won't even notice. Like I was on the phone last night with my mom and he didn't hear me, at least I didn't think he did.
There's a yoga station on Pandora, so once I get my muscle memory trained in the poses I can start doing yoga without the guide of the youtube clips, which would be wonderful because I have to wait for Micah (my computer) to warm up so youtube won't be choppy and keep buffering in the middle of the clip and such. So yeah. Pandora tends to load quicker. I may download spotify soon, and make sure my anti-virus works first so it won't hurt my computer, a friend said that nothing is hurting his computer and he's downloaded spotify.
But I'm a yoga girl now. It does wonders for my mood, and I just love it. You can be spiritual with it and everything. I can build an altar, a vastu (sacred space), and I can learn to work with energies and chakras and everything. Its great, its sooo perfect for me. And I'll be starting my hoop dancing once I get my hoop for christmas or hannukah. So I'm getting in gear and getting in shape ! Its great!
Star out.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Meditation Progress -- Second Week In,
Well, this time I tried to meditate in the shower twice, and it was a little distracting, couldn't focus properly. I tried different, none mantra songs. Some songs by SJ Tucker, and that helped my focus a little. I'm still having some issues with monkey mind, I mean if I think about it, I think I only really nailed it like one time during these two weeks. But I'm not going to stop. I'm going to make this a ritual. Along with studying martial arts, and doing yoga, since there are clips on youtube for it. Makes me happy.
But the male aspect of my shadow self has appeared, he has many names, I feel, but he gave me a new one, which is weird. I think I'm realizing who I project my selves through as far as my roleplay characters are concerned. Oh and I found another totem. Turtles! So I have a turtle totem and a leopard totem. Woots!They make me feel good about myself.
I've also come to realize that I need more expression of my gender issues. I need to talk about it. I need to talk with others who understand what I'm going through. I need more genderqueer/gender fluid and transgender friends. Friends I can have deep conversations with about everything, even if it gets borderline tmi. So, I'm going to browse the social networks that I'm apart of and see if I can find more. I think that's part of meditating to one of the SJ Tucker songs, it tapped into my libido or something because it was one of those songs you could dance erotically to.
So, I'm hoping I will have more gender outlets and gender fluid friends. I do not know if I will ever fully transition, its scary to think about. And part of me likes my biological gender, so its all confusing.
Anyways, that's my second week in.
Star over and out.
But the male aspect of my shadow self has appeared, he has many names, I feel, but he gave me a new one, which is weird. I think I'm realizing who I project my selves through as far as my roleplay characters are concerned. Oh and I found another totem. Turtles! So I have a turtle totem and a leopard totem. Woots!They make me feel good about myself.
I've also come to realize that I need more expression of my gender issues. I need to talk about it. I need to talk with others who understand what I'm going through. I need more genderqueer/gender fluid and transgender friends. Friends I can have deep conversations with about everything, even if it gets borderline tmi. So, I'm going to browse the social networks that I'm apart of and see if I can find more. I think that's part of meditating to one of the SJ Tucker songs, it tapped into my libido or something because it was one of those songs you could dance erotically to.
So, I'm hoping I will have more gender outlets and gender fluid friends. I do not know if I will ever fully transition, its scary to think about. And part of me likes my biological gender, so its all confusing.
Anyways, that's my second week in.
Star over and out.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Meditation Progress -- First Week In,
So... I decided to do regular meditations to get more in touch with myself and learn some focus and a host of other things that meditation is supposed to help with. I have been using music to aid my meditations. And I guess you can call it Mantra meditations. The mantra I mostly used was OM NAMO BHAGAVATE VASUDEVAYA. And I confess not to know what it means exactly. I'm guessing its about Oneness, as that is what it said in the cd booklet. It was from a Deva Premal CD. It was one of the few songs on the CD that felt like I could meditate to it. The others made me want to drift and day dream or dance or something.
But what I did was, sit with my feet pressed together, cd player between my legs, headphones on, closed my eyes and tried to think on a frequency of self love, I think this is called seed meditation. And then a couple of times I tried to empty my mind and then fill it with love. I definitely will have to work on the whole Emptiness thing.
At first, they all meshed, my thoughts, my otherkin sides, speaking in voices that weren't theirs, saying things they wouldn't normally say. It made me upset and fussy, and I wanted to give up, but I didn't. I tried again, this time singing along with the music. Sometimes in what is called 'Light Language' or 'Speaking in Tongues' or 'Glossolalia', since I didn't know the words to the mantra yet. And that helped me focus, singing along with it. And I could feel my frequency change, my mood change from one of agitation and dislike of myself and anger and defeat to one of self-love, and happiness, like a wholeness, just this bright feeling of not minding my own company, and joy that I was getting it. That there wasn't cacophony of self in my head.
The next day, I did the same thing and the same thing the day after that, but as I started my days out like this, the rest of my whole day was affected. Like one night, I couldn't sleep, I was wrecked with negative thoughts, and one of my otherkin sides, who is like a conscience, he's a starseed. He gave me this long talk about my view of love and control and why I had these negative thoughts in my head I wrote it all down as he spoke in my Book of Shadows. And boy, was it convicting! Cut me to the quick, he did. But it was words I needed to hear, something I needed to realize about myself.
Then days later, later in the week, I had this sudden urge, this pagan urge, to return to the earth, to ground myself and center myself in the earth, and I knew that another side had awoken, and boy was she mad. I had a feeling that this meditation would be good for me, because I thought that maybe my sides had gone dormant because of something I was doing, like maybe I was neglecting them or something like that. And it turns out I was. My playing Christian had stifled my souls, and it showed the most with her, the second self that awoke, which I think she's my Shadow Self. She's not very nice, she's cold, and associated with rage, pain, fear, anger, all the primal emotions that we don't like to deal with, that I tend to bottle and silence and put away for later, but later never comes. She's got a different moral compass than anythin Judeo-Christian. She doesn't think in terms of good and evil, more along the lines of what is and what isn't. Everything is a learning experience.
She is something close to a fae, a sidhe of sorts. There's more to her, than she's ever shown me, or let on. I can feel it. Like there is something masculine about her, and something wolfish and therian/shapeshifter about her, like maybe she's a twin souled consciousness, or something, I don't know yet. But She had a message for me too. Add Celtic Druidry to my path and to honor the Wheel. That and to never forget her again, which was more of a warning than a message, it was a feeling I got from her. It will be interesting because I consider myself a non-theist, so I will have to re examine my views on gods again, to try and incorporate that in, incorporate the gods and goddesses I am drawn to from her into my non-theist path. Which might be why she was so upset with me, it can seem like I was trying to scribble her out of my awareness completely, maybe I was, unintentionally...
So that leaves me with two awarenesses, two sides awake inside me, other than me, the awareness that is always in control and does most of the talking. I know there's more, it will just take time, he'll nudge awake eventually, the other one I'm know of, I can feel him sleeping inside. And if there are more that I don't know about,I'm sure they'll wake as well. Next, the thing happened today, is that I think my empathy is coming back again. I got sleepy just as my dad decides to take a nap, but once he's sleep, I'm not sleepy any more. So just something that's just in, that I will look into more.
And that's the progress of my first week of meditation. I feel on the whole more loved by myself. Not thinking so much negative thoughts about life or anything. I can confidently say that I like myself as I am in this moment. Oh as of note, I decided to leave their names out of it, revealing their names requires a degree of trust, not something I just share willy nilly with the open public, and as of now, only one person knows their names, because I trust her. So yeah that's why it sounds so vague like that.
Star out.
But what I did was, sit with my feet pressed together, cd player between my legs, headphones on, closed my eyes and tried to think on a frequency of self love, I think this is called seed meditation. And then a couple of times I tried to empty my mind and then fill it with love. I definitely will have to work on the whole Emptiness thing.
At first, they all meshed, my thoughts, my otherkin sides, speaking in voices that weren't theirs, saying things they wouldn't normally say. It made me upset and fussy, and I wanted to give up, but I didn't. I tried again, this time singing along with the music. Sometimes in what is called 'Light Language' or 'Speaking in Tongues' or 'Glossolalia', since I didn't know the words to the mantra yet. And that helped me focus, singing along with it. And I could feel my frequency change, my mood change from one of agitation and dislike of myself and anger and defeat to one of self-love, and happiness, like a wholeness, just this bright feeling of not minding my own company, and joy that I was getting it. That there wasn't cacophony of self in my head.
The next day, I did the same thing and the same thing the day after that, but as I started my days out like this, the rest of my whole day was affected. Like one night, I couldn't sleep, I was wrecked with negative thoughts, and one of my otherkin sides, who is like a conscience, he's a starseed. He gave me this long talk about my view of love and control and why I had these negative thoughts in my head I wrote it all down as he spoke in my Book of Shadows. And boy, was it convicting! Cut me to the quick, he did. But it was words I needed to hear, something I needed to realize about myself.
Then days later, later in the week, I had this sudden urge, this pagan urge, to return to the earth, to ground myself and center myself in the earth, and I knew that another side had awoken, and boy was she mad. I had a feeling that this meditation would be good for me, because I thought that maybe my sides had gone dormant because of something I was doing, like maybe I was neglecting them or something like that. And it turns out I was. My playing Christian had stifled my souls, and it showed the most with her, the second self that awoke, which I think she's my Shadow Self. She's not very nice, she's cold, and associated with rage, pain, fear, anger, all the primal emotions that we don't like to deal with, that I tend to bottle and silence and put away for later, but later never comes. She's got a different moral compass than anythin Judeo-Christian. She doesn't think in terms of good and evil, more along the lines of what is and what isn't. Everything is a learning experience.
She is something close to a fae, a sidhe of sorts. There's more to her, than she's ever shown me, or let on. I can feel it. Like there is something masculine about her, and something wolfish and therian/shapeshifter about her, like maybe she's a twin souled consciousness, or something, I don't know yet. But She had a message for me too. Add Celtic Druidry to my path and to honor the Wheel. That and to never forget her again, which was more of a warning than a message, it was a feeling I got from her. It will be interesting because I consider myself a non-theist, so I will have to re examine my views on gods again, to try and incorporate that in, incorporate the gods and goddesses I am drawn to from her into my non-theist path. Which might be why she was so upset with me, it can seem like I was trying to scribble her out of my awareness completely, maybe I was, unintentionally...
So that leaves me with two awarenesses, two sides awake inside me, other than me, the awareness that is always in control and does most of the talking. I know there's more, it will just take time, he'll nudge awake eventually, the other one I'm know of, I can feel him sleeping inside. And if there are more that I don't know about,I'm sure they'll wake as well. Next, the thing happened today, is that I think my empathy is coming back again. I got sleepy just as my dad decides to take a nap, but once he's sleep, I'm not sleepy any more. So just something that's just in, that I will look into more.
And that's the progress of my first week of meditation. I feel on the whole more loved by myself. Not thinking so much negative thoughts about life or anything. I can confidently say that I like myself as I am in this moment. Oh as of note, I decided to leave their names out of it, revealing their names requires a degree of trust, not something I just share willy nilly with the open public, and as of now, only one person knows their names, because I trust her. So yeah that's why it sounds so vague like that.
Star out.
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