So... I decided to do regular meditations to get more in touch with myself and learn some focus and a host of other things that meditation is supposed to help with. I have been using music to aid my meditations. And I guess you can call it Mantra meditations. The mantra I mostly used was OM NAMO BHAGAVATE VASUDEVAYA. And I confess not to know what it means exactly. I'm guessing its about Oneness, as that is what it said in the cd booklet. It was from a Deva Premal CD. It was one of the few songs on the CD that felt like I could meditate to it. The others made me want to drift and day dream or dance or something.
But what I did was, sit with my feet pressed together, cd player between my legs, headphones on, closed my eyes and tried to think on a frequency of self love, I think this is called seed meditation. And then a couple of times I tried to empty my mind and then fill it with love. I definitely will have to work on the whole Emptiness thing.
At first, they all meshed, my thoughts, my otherkin sides, speaking in voices that weren't theirs, saying things they wouldn't normally say. It made me upset and fussy, and I wanted to give up, but I didn't. I tried again, this time singing along with the music. Sometimes in what is called 'Light Language' or 'Speaking in Tongues' or 'Glossolalia', since I didn't know the words to the mantra yet. And that helped me focus, singing along with it. And I could feel my frequency change, my mood change from one of agitation and dislike of myself and anger and defeat to one of self-love, and happiness, like a wholeness, just this bright feeling of not minding my own company, and joy that I was getting it. That there wasn't cacophony of self in my head.
The next day, I did the same thing and the same thing the day after that, but as I started my days out like this, the rest of my whole day was affected. Like one night, I couldn't sleep, I was wrecked with negative thoughts, and one of my otherkin sides, who is like a conscience, he's a starseed. He gave me this long talk about my view of love and control and why I had these negative thoughts in my head I wrote it all down as he spoke in my Book of Shadows. And boy, was it convicting! Cut me to the quick, he did. But it was words I needed to hear, something I needed to realize about myself.
Then days later, later in the week, I had this sudden urge, this pagan urge, to return to the earth, to ground myself and center myself in the earth, and I knew that another side had awoken, and boy was she mad. I had a feeling that this meditation would be good for me, because I thought that maybe my sides had gone dormant because of something I was doing, like maybe I was neglecting them or something like that. And it turns out I was. My playing Christian had stifled my souls, and it showed the most with her, the second self that awoke, which I think she's my Shadow Self. She's not very nice, she's cold, and associated with rage, pain, fear, anger, all the primal emotions that we don't like to deal with, that I tend to bottle and silence and put away for later, but later never comes. She's got a different moral compass than anythin Judeo-Christian. She doesn't think in terms of good and evil, more along the lines of what is and what isn't. Everything is a learning experience.
She is something close to a fae, a sidhe of sorts. There's more to her, than she's ever shown me, or let on. I can feel it. Like there is something masculine about her, and something wolfish and therian/shapeshifter about her, like maybe she's a twin souled consciousness, or something, I don't know yet. But She had a message for me too. Add Celtic Druidry to my path and to honor the Wheel. That and to never forget her again, which was more of a warning than a message, it was a feeling I got from her. It will be interesting because I consider myself a non-theist, so I will have to re examine my views on gods again, to try and incorporate that in, incorporate the gods and goddesses I am drawn to from her into my non-theist path. Which might be why she was so upset with me, it can seem like I was trying to scribble her out of my awareness completely, maybe I was, unintentionally...
So that leaves me with two awarenesses, two sides awake inside me, other than me, the awareness that is always in control and does most of the talking. I know there's more, it will just take time, he'll nudge awake eventually, the other one I'm know of, I can feel him sleeping inside. And if there are more that I don't know about,I'm sure they'll wake as well. Next, the thing happened today, is that I think my empathy is coming back again. I got sleepy just as my dad decides to take a nap, but once he's sleep, I'm not sleepy any more. So just something that's just in, that I will look into more.
And that's the progress of my first week of meditation. I feel on the whole more loved by myself. Not thinking so much negative thoughts about life or anything. I can confidently say that I like myself as I am in this moment. Oh as of note, I decided to leave their names out of it, revealing their names requires a degree of trust, not something I just share willy nilly with the open public, and as of now, only one person knows their names, because I trust her. So yeah that's why it sounds so vague like that.
Star out.
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