Well, this time I tried to meditate in the shower twice, and it was a little distracting, couldn't focus properly. I tried different, none mantra songs. Some songs by SJ Tucker, and that helped my focus a little. I'm still having some issues with monkey mind, I mean if I think about it, I think I only really nailed it like one time during these two weeks. But I'm not going to stop. I'm going to make this a ritual. Along with studying martial arts, and doing yoga, since there are clips on youtube for it. Makes me happy.
But the male aspect of my shadow self has appeared, he has many names, I feel, but he gave me a new one, which is weird. I think I'm realizing who I project my selves through as far as my roleplay characters are concerned. Oh and I found another totem. Turtles! So I have a turtle totem and a leopard totem. Woots!They make me feel good about myself.
I've also come to realize that I need more expression of my gender issues. I need to talk about it. I need to talk with others who understand what I'm going through. I need more genderqueer/gender fluid and transgender friends. Friends I can have deep conversations with about everything, even if it gets borderline tmi. So, I'm going to browse the social networks that I'm apart of and see if I can find more. I think that's part of meditating to one of the SJ Tucker songs, it tapped into my libido or something because it was one of those songs you could dance erotically to.
So, I'm hoping I will have more gender outlets and gender fluid friends. I do not know if I will ever fully transition, its scary to think about. And part of me likes my biological gender, so its all confusing.
Anyways, that's my second week in.
Star over and out.
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